6 Things that give me mom guilt

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Mom life is funny. The second I am away from my kids, I miss them. Dean and I just booked our first big trip since having both the kids, and it’s not for FIVE months but I ALREADY miss the kids. What is wrong with me?

We all know that being a mom is exhausting; sometimes it’s physical, sometimes it’s mental. Sometimes mom life makes me want to pull my hair out. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes it’s maddening. Sometimes it’s boring.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids more than anything in the world. All I do is think about them ALL day long. They are the best part of my day. But sometimes Momma needs a break, am I right?

These are some things I do to keep my sanity as a mom but make me feel guilty afterwards:

  1. I count the minutes until bedtime. I do love my kids, and I don’t do this everyday but those hours on a day like this can certainly drag on.
  2. I lock myself in the bathroom. I don’t do this often, and I only do it when Dean is home. But I will stay in there and let the kids pound on the door screaming for me while I organize cabinets, try out different nail polish, etc. etc.
  3. Let all hell break loose while I eat chocolate upstairs. The kids may be screaming at each other and there is the sound of toys crashing down but I’m still upstairs just eating my chocolate. If someone was hurt, they would come tell me. Yup…I’m the world’s worst mom. Please don’t judge me.
  4. Pretend I am not on my phone. But I am. I am not good at make believe play – never have been. When I was a kid, I was always crafting. That made sense to me. Playing pretend did not. I actually used to have “stationary stands” instead of lemonade stands, and I would try to sell paper that I had decorated. Haha. So sometimes playing baby over and over again can get a little tedious. Momma needs an outlet.
  5. Take my kids to daycare when I am off of work. I mean, is there anything better than being ALONE in your own house?! Before kids, I never knew how much I would appreciate this but it is AMAZING. It’s honestly like being on vacation.
  6. I don’t let the kids help me. We all know that kids learn through doing, yada yada yada. But sometimes, I just want to get something done QUICKLY. Chloe loves to help me make my lunch at night but it means that a task I already loathe takes 20 minutes instead of 5. Sometimes, I just need to get the show on the road.

What gives you Mom Guilt?


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To My daughter On her 4th Birthday

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Four years ago, on a bitter cold Friday night, Dean and I were eating dinner at the Giordanos that was ten feet from our condo in the city. We were too terrified to even speak to each other. It was the quietest dinner we have ever eaten. Dean was worried about how our life would change after Chloe was born, and I was petrified of my impending c-section. Chloe was breech, and my c-section was scheduled for that coming Monday. (To this day, I am sad that I spent the last weeks pregnant with Chloe absolutely terrified. I am one of those rare breeds who LOVES being pregnant. I think it is just simply fascinating. I wish I savored her little kicks and hiccups just a bit more.)

That night I laid in bed unable to sleep (per usual at this point). Around 2:30 am I got out of bed to pee, and instead my water broke. It was literally right from a movie which I hear is very rare. There was a pop, and then lots of fluid. Ewww. 😉 Dean couldn’t possibly believe that I could be in labor early so he went back to bed while I dilly dallied calling my doctor. I don’t think she believed me either because there was no rush from anyone to get to the hospital. I think we got to the hospital around 3:30, and then sat in Triage for another half hour. Now keep in mind, I have had ZERO contractions at this point. I still don’t think anyone believes that I am in labor.

Skirt // Jellies

Finally, they call us back and examine me. It’s maybe 4:30 at this point. They check to see if Chloe is still breech. She is sadly, even after all the voodoo nonsense I tried. I am also dilated to 8 cm, and still NO contractions. Everything after that happened so fast. As terrified as I was about having a c-section, I am glad it happened the way it did. I had no time to panic. So after that, they called my doctor and rushed me up to prep for my c-section. I remember having my first contraction on the elevator ride, and it was the most intense pain I have ever felt – even more so than my natural birth with Ryan. By the time we got up to the surgery floor, I was already 9 cm dilated and Chloe’s foot was starting to come out.

What happened next is pretty much a blur. I was frantically signing papers, and Dean was whisked away. Finally, my doctor arrived and I broke down in tears. She took about 10 seconds to calm me down, and then said we had to move. Next it was Epidural (didn’t even feel it), lotsssss of pressure and pulling, and Chloe was born. I’ll spare you c-section details but even though I would never recommend one, and I absolutely hated it, it was not AS bad as I thought it would be.

And there she was, just like that. My dream come true.

This was Chloe’s position in utero. One leg up, one leg down.

(My favorite picture ever)

You, my baby girl, are my reason for being; the sun in my sky. I never really knew what love was until I met you. You have taught me to love so unconditionally. I hope you know how loved you are.

As I watch you continue to grow, I am awed at this person that I helped create. You have become such a little person with such a huge personality. Your vocabulary shocks me daily (in a good way 😉 ). You are too smart for your own good, and I have never met someone so observant. You pick up on way too much, and remember WAAAY too much. I honestly don’t know where you came from.

You are the best big sister to Ryan. He is so lucky to have you. I imagine you will be police-ing him for years to come.

I hope you will always keep your sense of humor, your strong will, and I hope you will always be brave. But my wish for you, above all else, is that you continue to be kind and happy.

Happy 4th Birthday, Baby Girl. I can’t believe that you are four.

XO,

Mom